"He sustained him in a desert land, in a howling
wilderness waste; he shielded him, cared for him, guarded him as the apple of his eye " (Deut 32:10)
 
The Light Has Dawned
 

I belong to Kunnathangadi, Trichur District. I lost my father as a child. My whole life was an open festering wound . Both my parents were working in a liquor shop. Having tasted the intoxication of liquor right from childhood, it was no wonder that my life soon became a sad story of sorrow and distress. I was constantly at odds with my parents. Having finished my high school and two years of college, I tried for a job and was selected to the BSF in 1990 from among several applicants. While undergoing training to be a constable near Jalandhur in Punjab, my sins began haunting me. Mental disturbance and a sense of emptiness. Why live at all? These difficulties made me resign my job and return home. I did not succeed in securing a steady job. Having come across some literature on atheism, which I greedily devoured, I became a strong addict to this Satanic idea and also to alcoholism. At this time I had a call from CRPF for election duty in 1993, and got a temporary stint of work in the north. I hoped it might become permanent. But it did not. God had other plans for me. I came back home.

At this time I noticed the change in a few of my friends who had gone for a retreat to Divine. So I too went there more to enjoy a week's holiday and witness the "hypnotism" that was exercised there than to receive God’s blessings. I would get a chance to poke fun at the Christians who flocked there, I thought . It was during the Lent of 1994.. "The plans of the mind belong to mortals, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord"(Prov 16:1).

At the retreat I completely surrendered before a love that I could not under stand––the love of my God for me. The gift of tongues, the gift of vision and the touch of Jesus were blessings that I received. On my return I joined the company of those who had grown spiritually. But unfortunately, like the seed fallen on thorns, my old habits strangled the life of the Spirit in me. I became involved in a court case. A sense of guilt overcame me. I have crucified Jesus anew. This thought tortured me.

But Satan had me in his clutches. Anyway I have strayed away from God. Let me sin still more. My old vices got the better of me. Several times I attempted suicide. One day while engaged in masonry work, I fell off the top of a huge building, sustaining back injuries. It was a near fatal fall. Before the accident, I could often hear a voice saying, "A big disaster will overtake you. I need you. I need you".

In the seclusion of a hospital ward I began reading the New Testament and under the bed covers shed tears of deep repentance and sorrow thinking of God’s love. I then experienced an infilling of the Holy Spirit.

Though not fully healed of my back pain, I landed at Divine in January 1995 with one thought burning in my mind. My life must be fully given to Jesus, I must be filled with the Holy Spirit, I must become a new man. "For neither circumcision nor uncircumcision is anything; but a new creation is everything!" (Gal 6:15). Every minute of that retreat was a grace creating repercussions in my body as well as my mind and soul. Copious tears came streaming down my cheeks as I thought of the love of God that I had spurned. (cf Ps 34:18; Rom 10:12). The bonds of alcoholism, smoking and other vices were snapped once and for all during that retreat.

When I renounced my vices and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, an electric current seemed to pass through me. I did not ask for healing of my back pain but the pain was gone for ever! Praise you Jesus!

When I opened the Bible after praying, "Lord, speak to me through your word," each time, I got the message, "And now why do you delay? Get up, be baptized, and have your sins washed away, calling on his name"(Acts 22:16) and Lk 23:50-53 where, at the mention of the name of Joseph, I repeatedly heard a voice say, "You must accept this name." "Joseph of Arimathea was a righteous man while I am a sinner", I objected. But the voice insisted, "Take this name". I surrendered myself and prayed that God may prepare the way and the opportunity for my baptism.

My family were delighted to see the change in me. I asked pardon of them for my misdoings. Jesus began waking me up to go to Mass daily and to participate in group prayer. On May 25th 1995, I was baptised and took the name of Joseph. From 1997 onwards I am engaged full time in the work of evangelization. Once I got a chance to literally obey the command of Jesus to show the other cheek when I was slapped and to praise God for it. Suffering of different kinds followed me wherever I went but God gave me the strength to bear it joyfully.

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me" (Ps 23:4). My mother and sister have both made a retreat and come close to Jesus. I now am giving retreats for children in Divine and elsewhere as a member of the Kottayam Christeen team.
 
N. A Santhosh Joseph
Nambiath,
Kunnathangadi