" Mother"! It is the sweetest word in every language. But when you add "in-law" it becomes mother-in-law. And for many this word is a synonym for terror. "Daughter" is a symbol of love. But "daughter-in-law" may be considered as the root cause for strife. In many families the feeling of security is disturbed when there is lack of harmony between these two individuals. The fact that this problem is not solved despite the cultural and academic development of women, proves its complexity.

The root cause of this problem of mother-in-law versus daughter-in-law is psychological. Woman is, by nature, very possessive. She likes to claim what is hers and lavish love on it. It is not possible to disallow her claim on a son she bore for nine months and gave birth to, suckled at her breast and brought up at the cost of great sacrifices.

At the same time, the wife who has left her parents to become one flesh with her husband, believes, the man has become her own when she is united with him in wedlock. Two individuals are attempting to make another fully their own.

Here there is a truth that both must grasp. The nature of a man's love for his mother is not the same as his love for his wife-just as a kiss from one's own little baby and a kiss from a husband do not evoke the same kind of emotion and sensation in a woman. The mother must realise that until yesterday her son was satisfied with her love; today that is not enough. He needs the love of a partner. She must accept the fact that he has grown. She must be proud of his growth and be capable of making him independent.

The wife must also realise that even after she and her husband became one, the duty of son towards his mother, does not cease. It is the mother who suffered the birth pangs to give him life. It is she who brought him up to this age. "He (God) confirms a mother's right over her children" (Sir 3:12). "Honour your father-in-law and your mother-in-law, since from now on they are as much your parents as those who gave you birth"(Tobit 10:12). Such verses as the above point to the duty towards one's parents. If the care and protection of a son, a mother has brought up with a life-time of hard labour, are to be denied in the years of helplessness and old age, it will be great cruelty and ingratitude to her. At the same time, if the mother tries to persecute, mentally or physically, a girl who has left her own house, parents, brothers and sisters, and attempts to separate her from her husband, she will have to account for it to God. The warning, "What God has joined together let no one separate" (Mt 19:6), is a very severe one indeed!

In olden days, it was easy for a girl, just out of her teens, and hailing from a large family, to blend with and be submissive in another large family of which she becomes a member. She would have already learnt the basics of social life in the bosom of her family . In the new situation, she would try to subjugate her personal inclinations and fall in line with the new set-up. As her own individuality had not fully developed, it became easier as time passed to do so. The wife of today has an individuality of her own by the time she gets married at the age of twenty or so. It is not easy for her to sacrifice all her dreams and plans. It is so particularly in the case of an only child who has lived like a queen in her father's house. If, in the new family, there are very few members, she is not a small minority either! Why, therefore , should she be submissive hundred per cent? she asks herself.

It is every woman's dream to have a house of her own. A house that she can furnish and decorate according to her tastes. Nothing else gives a woman so much self-respect. Even if she sacrifices her son, she will not easily let go her hold over this little kingdom she had made her own over the years. No woman will suffer the traditions, life-style and set-up she had built up, to be destroyed by the one who has entered the family but yesterday. If the way she has brought up her son is criticised, if the grand- children are reared in quite an unacceptable fashion, if the home equipment, furniture and decorations are labelled and discarded as outdated, the woman in the mother rebels. This is but natural.

In all these cases both must be ready for discreet adjustments. The son, too, must make just decisions as the mediator between the two. Usually, we find the stronger personality commands the submission of the other. But where there is no justice, peace cannot reign for long. If the mother-in-law is highly domineering, the next generation will view her as an enemy and hate her. This is not a plus point for any grandmother. The daughter-in-law, will in such a situation, soon make use of every ruse and tactic to get out of this bondage, and try to establish a kingdom of her own. The result will be that the son, whom the mother wished to make fully her own, will be lost totally to her. If the daughter-in-law looks down on or overrules the mother, the children will soon follow suit and adopt the same life-style towards their own mother.

Man is more of a social being than woman. The recognition, appreciation and love of his wife and children are not enough for him. No man can fully forgive a wife who tries to separate him from his mother. Whatever success is gained in this area by either party is only transitory.

The family becomes a heaven when the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are ready to love, accept and co-operate with each in order to provide peace and security to the individual they both love. The children, who grow up imbibing the love of both the generations, will be capable of handling any crisis in their lives. They will learn the first lessons of social life. The love of the little children will make the lives of the old more meaningful and worthwhile. The precious knowledge and wisdom the old have garnered from their long experience of life, provide guide-lines for the young and help them to avoid the pitfalls of the world.

It is possible that the older generation, because of their involvement in the agricultural enterprises, think that manual labour is most welcome. But the daughter-in-law, with her education and modern culture, might have various other interests . Without loosing the good elements in the old culture, they should be able to absorb the good in the new. When one wants to cultivate her own kitchen garden, rear cows and poultry, the other might wait to finish her house-hold chores, and be absorbed in hobbies like sewing, painting and story-writing. Unity begins when they refrain from labelling all that they do not like as incorrect or unncessary and acknowledge that there could be several things that are simultaneously similar and right.

The ability to discover good and positive qualities in another and appreciate them is absolutely necessary. No man is a slave in this world. No man has supreme authority over another. God-given freedom is the freedom to do the right. The kingdom of heaven is forgiving, sacrificial love. The cross and suffering will continue to be the sign of the Christian community in every age. An undeserved suffering is an injustice, but it is, nevertheless, salvific. The mother can, with the growing years, pass on the responsibility of the family to the daughter and spend more time in prayer and study of the Bible.

She can be a tower of strength to lead the family in the right path. If mother and daughter-in-law co-operate, both can be actively involved in the field of evangelisation and social activity. The thought that when she is incapacitated, the family affairs are in strong hands, is very comforting to the mother. While the daughter-in-law feels she can safely be out of the house for a day or two, leaving the responsibilities to the mother. To rise from the merely human mother- in-law-daughter-in-law relationship to the divine mother - daughter relationship is the ideal.

A sublime relationship of this kind is seen in the Holy Bible in the book of Ruth. Naomi, the wife of Elimelech, who had settled down in Moab, decided to return to her hometown, Bethlehem, after the death of her husband and two sons. Since Orpah and Ruth, the Moabite wives of her sons, would be insecure among the Israelites, Naomi advised them to return to their homes. Ruth refused, saying, "Do not press me to leave you or to turn back from following you! Where you go, I will go; where you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die, I will die-here will I be buried" (Ruth 1:16-17).

While Naomi wanted to see that Ruth, who had given up everything dear to her to remain with her mother-in-law, had a future, Ruth decided to support Naomi through hard labour. The young woman went to glean in the field of Boaz, a rich kinsman of Elimelech. According to the custom of the place, Boaz eventually married Ruth. The son that Boaz had by Ruth was Abed who was the grandfather of David. And Jesus, we know, was born into the family of David. Thus a Moabite woman became an ancestor of Jesus. A whole book of the Bible is named after her and she has been honoured- God's reward for being good to her mother-in-law!
"May the Lord reward you for your deeds, and may you have a full reward from the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come for refuge!" (Ruth 2:12).
 

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