Straws in the Wind

I became interested in the charismatic renewal in 1972. One straw in the wind, was reading a book on healing prayer" The Forgotten Talent" (Cameron- Peddie). I was then a full- time teacher at a Kashmir mission school, and I thought, "If we do as Jesus has said (Mark 16: 17- 18), then even Muslims will accept the Gospel!" - and I rediscovered the healing prayers (" Visiting the sick") in my Roman Ritual, which had been on my shelf unused since my Ordination.

Another straw in the wind was discovering the Holy Spirit as a living reality, as distinct from a theological concept. It came in such a quiet way that I could have missed it! As I was returning to the school after Holy Mass in the Church, I was aware of some lightness rising up from within my heart, after Holy Communionand there was the sudden recognition: This is the living water welling up from within, which Jesus had promised to believers in him: "He was speaking of the Spirit" (John 7: 37- 39). From that moment I ceased to be a one- sided intellectual. To adapt a phrase from the "Philokalia," "my intellect descended into my heart".

Then from USA and UK some printed material was sent to us about Catholic Pentecostals, and I recognized that the "Baptism of the Holy Spirit" was similar to the infused grace awareness of contemplatives and mystics: a more direct awareness of the Lord's reality and indwelling Presence, and various manifestations of grace in our life. And for this my heart was hungry and thirsty...
 
 
Catholic Roots of Grace

Before I continue to relate what happened in 1972- 1973, I must go back to the beginning, because I have experienced the charismatic renewal in the context of my Catholic upbringing and of my missionary vocation.

It began when I was reading in the second class of the primary school. We were made ready for our first Holy Communion. I grasped the teaching of Jesus, that when we receive Holy communion, Jesus himself comes into our hearts (John 6: 56). I believed, and welcomed him, though I was a little disappointed that he did not speak to me audibly! Then I thought: "As it is really Jesus Himself who is coming into my heart, Holy Communion is the most important thing for me in the whole world. I want to receive him every day of the week" -and the parish priest gave me the nesessary permission.

About a year later, at prayer in the church after Holy Communion, I heard him say (spiritually, not audibly, but very clearly), "If I ask you to go to the foreign missions to bring the Gospel, will you go?" I did not like this question. I had heard that a missionary's life is very dangerous (lions, snakes, crocodiles, tropical diseases), and you'll die young! But how to say no to Jesus? I couldn't think of it- and so after two days or so, I said yes. I told no one about it for several years, but since that time I have never for one moment been able to doubt my vocation until today. I have been very happy. Also I reflect that the core of my missionary vocation has been to work so that others may be able to welcome and receive Jesus into their hearts. Nothing else matters. For this we leave home, family, country, and work day and night, and endure hardships and frustrations...
 
 
Baptized in the Holy Spirit

In 1972- 1973 I became involved in two prayer groups- one in Baramulla, the other in Srinager. In my hunger and thirst I asked to be prayed over for the Baptism in the Holy Spirit. During and after the prayer, there was no special experience or effect, except that sense of flowing lightness and peace which I had recognised earlier as "the living water welling up from within" (John 7: 38). But during the following days, back at school, there were two distinct and abiding effects.

First, much to my surprise, I found myself praying to Jesus time and again during and in between my work. I prayed because of an "infused" constant awareness of his living Presence. Great! This reality was so precious to me that I broke with a lifetime habit of reading fictional stories (adventure, detective) to this day! "Lead me from the unreal to the Real"!

Secondly, once as I was pondering and planning the days and years ahead, Jesus reminded me: "You cannot do this anymore on your own. Now I am your Lord, and I have plans for you. If your plans agree with mine, fine! If not, you must yield to my plans!" How true! For the first time in my adult life, I consciously submitted to him and to his plans in every detail of my life. A mini- Copernican revolution, but very real!

One more grace I gradually discovered. Working in school and hostel, I readily lost my temper and became upset with people and things. I even thought this was good for school discipline! But now Jesus made me repent of my anger: it dimmed my awareness of his Presence! It took much longer to reduce my anger to a minimum, but I knew my heart had to be purified of it, for me to grow in his love and in his grace.
 
 
Tongues and Prophecy

What about speaking in tongues and other charismatic gifts? I was wondering why these things were not happening to me, as I had read about them...

Six months later, in March 1973, I found myself at the National Prayer Seminar at Kristu Jyothi College, Bangalore. There, for the first time, I met other Catholic charismatics, especially Minoo and Luz Maria Engineer. A small group met for prayer several times. As they prayed over me, I heard Luz Maria pray in tongues (how funny!) and then, I knew I could pray in the same way. I just did so, and from then onwards I simply accepted this unusual way of praying from the heart, and experienced its power.

With this came another important grace. At the Prayer Seminar several spoke about the need to experience God in prayer in the Indian context. But no one at the time actually testified that he had received this infused grace. Then suddenly it occurred to me: I no longer search for God (as I did in the past) because he is in my heart! So far, my awareness had been of Jesus being with me. Now- after I had accepted prayer in tongues - I became aware that Jesus is also in me, i. e. in my heart. Although daily life has left ups and downs, yet essentially, my awareness of him in my heart has never left me. Come to think of it, I suppose I would rather die than do something that would make him go away, if this were possible!

Several months later, gifts of prophecy were given to several members of the prayer group. Prophecy did not concern the future. It was just that the Lord spoke to us: "My happiness and joy I have given to you for being together! ... I have filled your hearts with my Spirit... I am Yahweh, your Hope. Turn to me in humility. If you turn to me with open hearts, I will fill them with the fullness of my love... Take courage to accept the afflictions, for it is I, the Lord, who sends them..." It shook me to think that the Lord would actually speak to us so directly. I studied prophecy in St John of the Cross and St Teresa of Avila (under the name of "locutions") and submitted my findings to Fr M M Balaguer SJ. When he came up for a community retreat, Father, in his characteristic fashion, checked the gifts thoroughly in each person and found them genuine...
 
 
Pentecost is for Evangelisation

In 1975, in prophecy, the Lord referred a few times to his grace at work in the hearts of our Muslim people in the Valley. It was the last thing I had expected, but gradually I became convinced that he would call me- sooner or laterto serve him in this work. It was to be 17 years later. After handing over the School and Mission to the Capuchin Fathers, I became involved in the charismatic retreat ministry, with Fr Fio SJ, Fr Marcellino OCD, Fr Rufus Pereira, Sr Mary Usha SND - until in April 1992 when I was at prayer in the Baramulla church on Maundy Thursday, I heard (spiritually, not audibly) the Lord say: "The time has come. Finish all your engagements outside the Valley. Then, settle down here for the work for which I have called you!"

One last memory. As I was conducting a Seminar on Evangelization, a sister questioned me, "Father, have you left the charismatic renewal ?" And the answer which came to my mind was, "If I did not work for evangelisation, I would be only half a charismatic!"

All praise and glory to Jesus who has revealed to me my Father, and who has been my great happiness - not without trials and tribulations!
 
 
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