The Steadfast Love
of the Lord
"The Lord is the strength of his
people; he is the saving refuge of his anointed" (Ps 28:8)
I am a Pallotine Father
from Neyanttinkara, preaching the word of God in the diocese of Bilaspur
in North India.
All through my life I have
enjoyed the Providence of God. In moments of rejection and pain I have
experienced the unfailing, steadfast love of the Lord.
I was born on 18th January,
1961. In about two years after my birth, my mother left me in the care
of my grandmother and went to her heavenly abode. When I was eight, my
granny, too, was called by the Lord to be with him. I felt totally abandoned.
Loneliness, rejection and a sense of utter loss gripped me. In the meanwhile,
my father married again. Amidst his daily busy schedule, he had no time
for me.
When I was in the 5th standard
my father fell fatally ill. He could not work any more. Poverty haunted
me day and might. With the help of some relatives I finished my schooling.
To become a priest was a long-cherished desire. But the financial condition
of the family did not permit it. "Lord, make me a good priest," was my
daily prayer. "As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought
for me"(Ps 40:17). The parish priest heard of my longing to be a priest.
With his help I joined the Pallotine Congregation. But the studies were
in English and I found it very hard to cope with them. Various instances
of rejection and contempt came my way. They began to weaken my vocation.
I had two options before me: either stop my studies and return home; or
repeat the year. By God's mercy I decided to be true to God's call and
stay on. Surprisingly, however, the decision of the authorities was to
give me promotion. "For this slight momentary affliction is preparing
us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all measure" (2 Cor 4:17).
Thus I began my study of theology. Loneliness, alienation and rejection
pursued me there too. What I did with a good intent was misunderstood by
the authorities and my classmates. In 1989 I was ordained priest.
As per my wish, I was sent
to the missions after ordination. Life in the heart of thick forests with
no knowledge of the language or culture of the tribals, was very hard.
When trials, pain and grief became unbearable I wept and prayed to the
Lord. He would console me. Every year came a transfer from one state to
another. Each time the Lord would fill me with his Holy Spirit and strengthen
me to accept his will.
The first time I made a
retreat at Potta, I went to Fr Panackal for counselling. "Father, you are
still suffering over the death of your mother, aren't you?" he asked. I
answered, "No". I have never wept over or lamented my mother's loss. All
the same, tears were streaming down my cheeks. Though, to all appearances,
I did not suffer pain, the wound was deep within. The Lord who changes
everything into good, gave me a love greater than the love of my mother.
He gave me his own mother as my mother. "I lie down and sleep; I wake
again, for the Lord sustains me"(Ps 3:5); till I made this charismatic
retreat I never had such an experience.
During a counselling session
with Fr Vincent, the Lord revealed to me my inner wounds and the pain hidden
within. The Lord asked me to bury my mother whom I had until then refused
to bury. "My child, let your tears fall for the dead, and as one in
great pain begin the lament. Lay out the body with due ceremony, and do
not neglect the burial"(Sir38:16). For the first time I wept with pain
and grief over the separation from my mother.
The Lord asked me to forgive
all who hurt me for they were his instruments. Then he gave me this word.
"Though the Lord may give you the bread of adversity and, the water
of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself any more, but your
eyes shall see your Teacher"(Is 30:20). The Lord showed me his human
face and promised to be with me in all my painful moments.
He gave me deliverance from
some of my addictions and from fear, "He will again have compassion
upon us; he will tread our iniquities under foot. He will cast all our
sins into the depths of the sea"(Mic 7:19). Since we are from God,
"The one who is in... (us) is greater than the one who is in the world"(1
Jn 4:4). The Lord convinced me of this truth and accepted me as his son.
Now "I keep the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand,
I shall not be moved"(Ps 16:8).
A great number of people
today suffer alienation, rejection, lack of love, humiliation, disgrace,
poverty, despair and an inferiority complex. Like- wise, consecrated persons
attempt to give up the religious life in moments of crises. There are people
in our society who yearn for just a little love and are ready to do anything
to get it. The Lord has transformed me into an instrument to pray for such
people , particularly for those consecrated to his service, and to render
whatever help I can for them. Those who suffer thus, must become intercessors
for others. Our pain and affliction are fewer and lighter than those of
several others.
Fr John Paul A,
The Catholic Church,
Bilaspur - 497 226, M
P
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